It may seem counterintuitive that a story about an old woman waiting for her son can invoke gratitude. But let’s consider what gratitude means through our spirituality.

For many of us, gratitude was ingrained in us as an obligatory response to a gift that was given. We were taught that we have nothing to be anxious or sad about, because we are “blessed beyond measure” and simply looking at the situation wrong. 

Millions of us have experienced toxic positivity, toxic over-abundance of joy and, yes, toxic gratitude. It’s one of the many reasons people crawl through life without any authentic positive emotions and are overwhelmed by anxiety and depression.

Well-intentioned parents and caretakers may have extracted forced compliance from children in an attempt to teach appropriate responses to kindness, generosity, and hurt feelings. Phrases like: “Say thank you for the gift” or “Say you’re sorry for hurting their feelings” are things we’ve all probably heard at one time or another in our own childhood, or perhaps have said to our own children. Experts don’t necessarily agree on the efficacy of forced gratitude, and what it actually teaches children, but more is being written on its impact as we mature.

In an article for PsychologyToday.com, education expert and analyst Alfie Kohn wrote candidly about the paradox of living with gratitude and forced optimism. Kohn highlights a direct link from our culture’s obsession with gratitude and our religious indoctrination and equates silencing our pain with religious teaching. After all, there is “someone somewhere who is living with far less and suffering far greater than you are at the moment.”

And if that doesn’t silence us, just remember that “Jesus died for you—how could you not live with gratitude?!”

The reality is that many of us were exposed to these teachings from an early age. Chances are good that we were never told that we are not obligated to minimize our humanity because of a belief designed to control the feelings of the masses. That belief binds us to an institution that prioritizes perpetuation of that institution over the individual’s well-being. These teachings keep us focused on the needs of the church rather than our own pain. 

Kohn’s research would suggest that these beliefs also impact how we respond to someone who doesn’t appear grateful for a life that, from the outside, appears full and blessed. Think of a situation where perhaps a close friend or colleague shared a concern or a burden, and your response began with “At least,” or “Look on the bright side.” Or perhaps you were even more callous with something like, “Yeah, that’s a real problem. I wish I had that problem.”  Perhaps someone said these things to you when you were seeking guidance or comfort. 

When someone passively rebukes our pain in this manner, we’re often left feeling raw, vulnerable, and perhaps conflicted with all of the emotions now swirling around us. Everything is intensified, because now not only do we have the pain, we’ve now been reminded that it is not valid. Old belief patterns may arise that remind us that we were silly to think that our pain deserved light.

The cycle of suppressing that pain begins again, where we internalize those indoctrinated beliefs to the point that “I’m hurting” is silenced with “Look at how blessed I am.”